Archives for 2017
The parallel between marriage and ballroom dancing has been drawn many times. So, I probably can’t add much. Except for the fact that I may declare here and now that whatever “they” have said is probably true—how you are on the dance floor is how you are in life.
Husband and I took about six months of ballroom dancing – learning the foxtrot, the waltz, swing, nightclub 2 step. (Tango was out given how much we struggled with the simple foxtrot.)
During that six months, Husband was vindicated in more ways than he could count. But, then again, so was I.
For one, I am terrible at following (which basically tracks with the rest of the time). He knew he married an independent woman. But, independence is not rewarded on the dance floor. Following is rewarded.
In most ballroom dancing, men are in charge. Women are to be led. And, as our teacher said, if he stops, you stop. You don’t do anything until he tells you to, all with his hand and sometimes the placement of his hips – which, by the way, I’m not supposed to watch. I’m just supposed to somehow “feel it.”
My real job was to follow his hand, keep the frame (the space between us), and maintain “tone” in my outstretched arm. (So much for all that Pilates. Five minutes of that and my arm was screaming at me.)
Most of the time, it turned out Husband wasn’t interested in leading me anywhere (which also basically tracks with the rest of the time). He’d rather I just follow without him having to do anything. Or, just do whatever I want to do. But, this does not work on the dance floor. He must command.
(Additional trouble included the fact it took us four lessons before I realized the hand I was supposed to be following was the one on my back – not the one at the end of my screaming outstretched arm. And, while following his supposedly ever-present hand on my shoulder blade was hard enough, Husband’s hand kept falling down to my waist, which meant now my torso was attempting to chase said hand around the dance floor. Welookedliketwoostrichesattemptingtomate.)
This lead-follow technique is an interesting concept around daily life. If you are a late bloomer bride – married for the first time over age 40 – you have led your own life for a long time. You would have never gotten in the dance otherwise. But, now married, learning when to lead and when to follow can be confusing. For instance, when you want something in your life – and it’s something you wished for, for a very, very long time, who is supposed to take the lead on the wish fulfillment?
I was recently told by someone that I “oversold” the fact I wanted a dog. And, this meant I wouldn’t get it. In an attempt to answer Husband’s question – “what do you want for Christmas?” — apparently the fact I was honest – and honest often – meant I was being too something. Maybe I was trying to lead when I should have been following?
Yet, all the advice I’ve received about discussing your desires include
1. You are to be honest at all times,
3. Don’t expect your spouse to be a mind reader, and
4. Men don’t do subtle. You must be direct.
In other words, lead them. But, maybe there is a “just lead them enough” clause that I missed in the marriage contract? Or, are there some dances you’ll never get to dance with your spouse no matter what? So, it doesn’t matter who leads or follows? Just sign me “wanting to learn, but so confused.”
Alex Wise is a dating consultant and blog contributor for Loveawake dating site. He has been covering online dating, relationships, online and marriage niche since 2008. He loves sharing meaningful content that educates and inspires people to bring their dreams into reality relationships, online and marriage niche since 2008. He loves sharing meaningful content that educates and inspires people to bring their dreams into reality.
A lot of times we come at a point in our life where we stand thinking is this relationship worth it, does it have any future, can we/should we save this relationship, is it worth working on a relationship ? or we should just leave. Breaking up is a big decision at the same time inevitable or important in some scenarios. You need to be sure and realistic while making decision of keeping in or letting go. So that once you make the decision there no looking back and no regrets.
Saving a relationship definitely requires commitment and work from both partners. Reviving your love and rebuilding your relationship will take a lot of patience, clarity and perseverance. It’s also important to know the difference between relationship deficiencies and circumstantial problems. Circumstantial problems are inevitable, goofups are a part of life and they will happen. How to handle them is all what the game is about. Healthy relationships allow you to be the best version of yourself and to build a life that you couldn’t have alone, even if it’s not always roses. Here’s how to know if you’re going through a rough patch vs. if you’re in a bad relationship. Your gut probably already knows.
Willingness To Adjust Your Expectations Of Your Partner
Only if we are aware of expectations of our partner and ready to work around most of them, if not all of them. We will be doing our relationship a lot of favour. But the effort should be two way not that one partner is trying and other is stone cold. Learn what will make them happy and tell what makes you happy.
Knowing What You Need And Want From Your Relationship
Every relationship is different. We have all expectations and dreams regarding our relationships. Knowing what we actually want and being connected with our authentic dreams and feelings, will keep up in better chance of achieving them. Also look out for partners authentic self if they align with your needs and wants. Expecting someone to change after marriage seldom works. Its what people are from beginning what follows after. So choose your partner carefully.
You Are Deciding Together If Counseling Will Help
You Know When You’re Distancing Yourself Emotionally And Physically
Communication is the string that keeps us attached to our partners. See if you’ve begin to drift away from your partner, try to find out why is it happening whats the actual reason. And then look out for a creative solutions, reach out for help if you can’t think of anything. Family, friends, counselling, blog community anywhere you feel comfortable.
Both Partners Are Willing To Learn The Art Of Healthy Battle
Differentiate between constant complaining and effectively conveying concerns without making other person feel guilty or building up the tension. It’s not about suppressing negative feelings but expressing and communicating them in a healthy way. Think : whatever i am doing in a problem, is it really helping me or us in our lives or what else can be done to improve the situation. True love will never let you compromise on your standards right from the beginning of a relationship.
You Like Yourself In The Relationship
If you feel that your partner still brings out the best in you even during tough times you’ve got a relationship worth working on. If partner is taking away good moments from you and making you feel bad. Then that’s something really negative and needs to addressed.
Bad Times Still Involve Care, Trust, Respect, And Safety
You can fight without feeling disrespected, unloved, or threatened. You can go to your separate corners to cool down and trust the other person will be there when you come out. You’re willing to keep talking and keep trying, even when the conversation is hard, and so are they.
Acceptance And Taking Responsibility Of Your Mistakes
Things become easier for everyone when people in relationship acknowledge true source of problem and work towards improving, than pushing it under the carpet or blaming others. Acceptance is one commendable quality that can save a relationship from falling apart. If you have not being thinking through things. You can start now and see where you are wrong. This will put you in positive direction of saving your relationship.
All couples face problems in their relationships at some point of time, some acknowledge their problems and work towards solving them in healthy ways. Whereas some go down the spiral making things worse for each other and sometimes even leading to end of a relationship. Every relationship is different as snowflake but gets caught in patterns most common to all of us. Relationships get sour or fail for different reasons, the key is to identify what’s really going on in your relationship and willingness to work things in favor of your relationship. If both the partners are willing to solve relationship problems, they will reach the solution sooner or later.
Allow your partner to build new credibility with you, instead of piling up old mistakes. Unless it is a damaging habit, letting go of goofups is the best course of action. If your partner knows they’ll get a chance to rebuild their credibility with you, its highly likely going to motivate your partner to work things best for you. The same should be applicable to you. You should be given fair chance to start afresh if things didn’t went in best direction from your side. However, these chances should not be given to a negative and abusive personalities as they will do same mistakes all their lives. Also building habit of looking at your relationship from an outsider’s neutral perspective will help with a lot of issues in any relationship.
Here are most common relationship problems that find their ways into relationships :
Lack of Self-Awareness
We often get so caught in our lives that seldom we sit down and think deeply about ourselves, get to know our authentic thoughts and feelings, who we are, where we are going, what we are becoming, what we actually want. Its only when we know ourselves most part we can form and maintain a good relationship with others. Being true to ourselves, connecting with ourselves regularly away from external influences ( what others are doing, or what someone wants us to do, what we are being told, judged ) will lead to true happiness which then we can impart onto and share with others.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion, which when not handled correctly can be one of the most frequent causes of the breakup of romantic relationships. Jealousy can trigger abuse and violence, delusional jealousy can cause serious relationship problems. Talk about it to your partner if their certain behavior makes you insecure or jealous. And if its you who’s taking out of proportion, then you’ll need to do the hard work of learning to manage your jealousy in healthy ways whenever it makes it presence felt.
Ineffective Communication – Assumptions that you’re partner should always know your needs
Always being open about your thoughts and feelings can help a lot of situations that arise when we expect other partner to understand on their own but they don’t, its not because they don’t care it’s because they don’t know. Sharing and communication works when the other partner is not judgmental or hurtful towards your vulnerable self. Knowing your situation, taking responsibility of your emotions and communicating it clearly without blaming or offending your partner is the way to go. So our moto should be “Never Assume, Be Clear”.
No Individual Growth
When you’re in a relationship, spending time with each other is one thing, and letting relationship being your entire world is different. It’s wise to always maintain your life beyond relationships, be it productive or other relationships, hobbies etc. That way you’ll enjoy relationships and never loose your individuality. Keep yourself engaged doing something that takes your interest. Growing in any direction of your interest will also bring out your personality and build confidence, which you’re partner will admire.
Same issues occurring again and again
If same problems are occurring again and again then somethings wrong in your relationship and needs to be changed. The significance of a relationship is for the people in it to feel good together and experience life with a special someone. Be patient and be kind, and try to instill the same values in your partner and at the same time learn positive things from them as well. One should also learn to ignore trivial matters and for other matters need to be looked down more deeply to discard them completely from life or at least how to manage them without blowing out.
Not being able to relating to your partner’s issues
Whenever we get stuck in a rut or are not able to relate with partners problems. One solution to that is deep talk and try to understand their perspective. Deep understanding and offering solution will bring some relief to your partner and make your bond strong. Instead of nit picking, sit down with them, talk without judging and be ready to help. Just see what follows.
You or they feel misunderstood
This is the most common relationship problem couples go through. Rushing through things, assuming and judgmental behavior can keep us from knowing our partners real dimensions.
You don’t tolerate their vices
There needs to be certain level of tolerance and knowing the facts that there are things that our partners do which may not be of our liking. Accepting them and still seeing them our loved one.
You feel you’re giving away too much and getting back too little
We all are at this place one time or the other. Remember life is not always fair. Even if we have given more than we received, should not be the concern. But burning out ourselves for others and being taken for granted should be.
If one partner is trying to control or manipulate the other, the relationship will soon turn suffocating and a negative playground. This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Controlling behavior is also a sign of weakness, where weak person feels secure by controlling the other person. If there are controlling behaviors in your relationship then you would need to set strong boundaries and talk straight with your partner. If they don’t listen, are not ready to address the issue, continue with such behavior then there is very less left for you to do. Such controlling behaviors are like addiction, once the person gets used to controlling their partner it becomes extremely difficult to loosen their hold off these type of tendencies.
Last but certainly not the least trust is something that builds and unfolds with time. Do you trust your partner with other attractive people or do they trust you with other attractive people. Do you both have ability and willingness to maintain each others trust through out life. And do you trust and respect each others decisions in life. Are you letting broken trust in the past coming in your way of your relationship. Never ever do that, always allow new person/relation to build their own credibility. If they broke your trust then decision is solely yours whether to allow them again with a new credibility or just stop it there once and for all.
Writing and sharing is a great way to figure out what’s going on in your life, and start working towards a better and healthier relationships with your partner.